Pilates princess or boss babe:

Do You Have to Choose?

Recently, I’ve seen a huge upswing in influencers on Instagram and TikTok proclaiming that all they need and want in life is to find a man to pay for their Porsche and Pilates classes (aka their bills and lifestyle), and that’s it! They’ve won at life! They’re done. No more worries. If they could just find a man who is able to foot the bill all the time, they would be more than happy to retire to their “soft life” domestic goddess era and submit to his authority over all major decisions. What a happily ever after that would be!

This post is meant to provide some food for thought for anyone who just read that first paragraph and thought to themselves, “Yes! That sounds fantastic!” And I’ll start with this—I think every woman should embrace their feminine goddess energy in any way that feels good to them (it looks different for everyone). I love swanning around my home in a pink marabou feather robe while sipping my oat milk latte and reading all morning. I dream of driving a pink Porsche. I love ALL the girly things. But what I love most about my life is that I am the designer of it. I give myself the permission and the means to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. A happy relationship with my husband is the icing on an already delicious pink Funfetti cake.

So, with that said, if you find yourself thinking that a partner with a big wallet is your key to happiness, I want you to think about these two things:

1. Do you want to ask permission every time you want to buy something, go out with your friends, or book a vacation? You may be saying to yourself, "My partner never tells me what to do! They give me their credit card and I can do whatever I want!" Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, the sort of relationship where one person is funding absolutely everything is a major power imbalance. It is a situation that is hugely vulnerable to financial manipulation and control. If you don’t notice this at the beginning, you likely will with time. Your partner may feel like they have every right to approve all of your comings, goings, and expenditures because after all, you are using their money to live your life. And if I’m being totally honest, this isn’t romantic at all. This is actually reminiscent of a parental relationship, and you will feel suffocated by it.

   Now, far be it from me to turn down a gorgeous gift, a bouquet of roses, or a beautiful dinner out. When my husband and I started dating, I loved it when he bought me presents, and I certainly was not a split-the-bill kind of date. However, my outfit, my blowout, my nails, my car, my individual life—was bought and paid for by me. I was dating him because I wanted to date him and I wanted to be him, not because of what I thought he could do for me.

2. Are you staying in a relationship because you want to, or because you have to? Are you dating someone out of genuine interest in their personality, their heart, and their mind, or because of what they do for you? Call me naïve, but I believe in marrying for love. I believe in staying in a marriage for love, and for no other reason. There are so many women who are unhappy in their marriages for reasons that run the gamut of, the spark is gone to cheating and abuse. It can be very easy to be a friend or onlooker of this situation and say, “Just leave. You have so much support. You’ll be fine. Divorce is nothing to be ashamed of. It’ll take some time, but you’ll get back on your feet.” And all of these well-intentioned comments may be true to an extent. However, when you are living through this situation, and you have no direct access to your bank account, your credit cards are not under your name and you don’t hold on to them, you have no relationship of your own with a financial advisor, and you’ve been off the job market for years, leaving an unhappy relationship becomes a whole lot harder. Yes, you can work out financial matters in court, but do you have the means to pay for a suitable attorney? Do you know how to put together a budget? Are you truly in tune with how much life actually costs, how much you really spend, and what your bills will be? None of these things are insurmountable. But for a woman who hasn’t armed herself with the financial knowledge she needs to take on these challenges, they seem like mountains that need to be moved.

To conclude, I think it’s a wonderful thing if you find yourself a partner that is ambitious, that makes lots of money, and who loves to spend some of that money enjoying life with you. That’s wonderful! It’s something that should be appreciated and welcomed into your life. However, to remain a sovereign being, that is, a woman who makes all of her own decisions and is free to do what she chooses, you need to be able to take care of yourself financially. Always remember that you are in charge of your financial destiny. Insist upon it.